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11.11.08

Why I am No Longer Married: Reason No. 32


Posted by Lori B. at 8:55 PM

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About Me

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Lori B.
NYC, United States
I am on a collision course with wackiness. I am also likely old enough to be your mother, but I'm still the coolest girl you'll ever meet.
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Blog Archive

  • ►  2010 (7)
    • ►  May (1)
      • Hi Mothies!
    • ►  March (3)
      • Rain, Rain, Go Away
      • All That Jizz*
      • I'm Gonna Be on The Moth Podcast!
    • ►  January (3)
      • Second Comes Right After First!
      • Gee-Whiz!
      • I Hope He Does "Animal" Next
  • ►  2009 (40)
    • ►  December (6)
      • This will NOT be me tomorrow evening ...
      • A Little Sartorial Advice
      • Great Moments in Sex Blogger Tweets, No. 1
      • Threesome of a Certain Age
      • I forgot to mention ...
    • ►  November (3)
      • That's My Cervix!
      • They May be Bi, but They're Still Boys
      • Who am I to Flout Tradition?
    • ►  October (4)
      • Ow.
      • And they said it wouldn't last ...
      • Celebrity Crush-Watch
      • "Your success emasculates me."
    • ►  August (7)
      • I'm a Sexual Evel Knieval
      • I Give Good Scalp
      • You Always Hurt ...
      • The Fine Print
      • I Have Other Charms
      • He Ain't Heavy ...
      • Stylin'
    • ►  July (15)
      • Fuck You, Occam.
      • I'm Thinking Maybe a Page-A-Day Calendar?
      • Summer Reruns Continue
      • I'm a Sexy, Sophisticated Woman
      • HNT: Razor Bumps
      • But They Hurt Good
      • I Can't Stop Saying "Butt Plug."
      • Shit Happens
      • More Memories
      • Celebrity Crush-Watch
      • Bosom Buddies
      • Memories ...
      • Boston or Bust
      • HNT: Increasingly Ridiculous Tan Lines Edition
      • Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up! or My God, I Feel So Ol...
    • ►  June (2)
      • Nudes-Days with Spencer
      • Bad Words
    • ►  April (1)
      • BRB
    • ►  March (1)
      • Breaking News: Jefferson featured in Time Out New ...
    • ►  January (1)
      • One Learns Something New Every Day!
  • ▼  2008 (18)
    • ►  December (1)
      • How I spent my winter vacation ...
    • ▼  November (4)
      • "M" is for the Many Things She Gave Me ...
      • Why I am No Longer Married: Reason No. 32
      • Praise ... Um ... God!
      • But I'm Always Right!
    • ►  October (3)
    • ►  September (3)
    • ►  August (5)
    • ►  July (2)
  • ►  2007 (1)
    • ►  December (1)

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    Sentences I Wish I'd Written

    “There can be no worse death than to be eaten by something you love.”

    ***

    “She is said to have shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence.”

    ***

    “Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It’s just something they made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman, or Michael Jackson.”

    ***

    “After anal sex, we like shortcake!”

    ***

    “... it had become a plan of breathtaking stupidity.”

    Working Titles for My Autobiography

    • I Have Problems You Couldn't Possibly Understand

    • The Blind Leading the Stupid Leading the Wounded

    • I Learn Hard But I Learn Well

    • You Can't Buy Booze with Food Stamps

    • It's Not a Sore Throat—It's Weenie Burn

    • Don't Go on a Date with One Person When You Have Another Person's Dried Splooge on Your Face

    • When Fun Turns to Tragedy

    • Our Neti Pots, Ourselves

    • Oh, Go Ahead: Pee on Me

    • Shut Up, She Explained

    • But I'm an Orphan!

    • Thank God I'm an Orphan

    • My Life: A Cautionary Tale

    • You Can Do It! (And If You Can't, I'll Do It for You)

    • Good. Now You Know How I Felt.

    • Don't Let This Happen to You

    Celebrity Crush-Watch

    • • Andy Partridge
    • • Andy Saltzman
    • • Brian Lehrer
    • • John Oliver
    • • Jon Stewart
    • • Peter Sagal
    • • Stephen Colbert
    • • Tom Waits
    • • Walter Kirn